Friday, July 01, 2005

 

Kelly's email below...

Hey ya’ll,   Long story short…Andi was transferred to GP. I received a letter yesterday and posted it to the blog. For your convenience, I have pasted it below. I hope everyone has a safe and great Independence holiday

 

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven’t been updating the blog much, but Andi hasn’t been sending many letters and I couldn’t talk to her.It was pretty evident that she was getting very little time to herself. I did receive a letter last Saturday (6/25/05) primarily due to the fact that something happened to her money order and the money wasn’t added to her books. That’s never a good thing, but even worse at Metro, cause they do not give her any of her necessities. She has to buy them all. However, at the end of the very short letter, she did elude to the fact that she had just finished her finals and thought that she may be getting transferred to genera l population at either Pulaski or Alto. She said she would send a longer letter with better updates on Monday (6/27/05). When Wednesday rolled around and I still hadn’t received a letter, I made the assumption that she had been transferred Monday or Tuesday before she could send one. Apparently, my assumption was correct, because I received a letter today, Thursday, and this is what it says:

 

---Hey,  Well, I’m finally at my final destination. Metro/GDC pulled a FC stunt and put me through emotional turmoil, but I’m fine. I’m at Lee Arrendale State Prison, also known as Alto (located in Alto, GA).It’s weird to be out of the city. I am just north of Gainesville.  That works out if/when you get approved for visitation. This is serious, for real prison. Almost like television prison (no bars). It’s open dorm like FC, but like a gymnasium. You could easily put 80 women in here. After hardcore diagnostics,it’s a severe shock to the system to adjust to finally being in general population! The officers are so nice! We are usually treated very nicely here.I’m in temporary in-take dorm for 2-3 days, then I make one final move. Finally!I’m so tired of adjusting. I know I owe you some serious updating but Ineed to get this out to you ASAP. Should be seeing the counselor tomorrow, andI’ll be discussing the phone issue and getting you approved as asignificant other for visitation. If/when approved, you can visit starting notthis weekend, but next. I’ll let you know. Trying for Mike, too, since heis power of attorney. Gotta cut this supa short because I is supa beat. Ifanything was sent to Metro, it will follow but will take some time, FYI. Thanksa billion. Lights out, gotta go. I’ll get another letter out this week.

 

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Wednesday  6/29/05

 

Hey Everyone,

 

I can’t believe it. I’m finally at my final destination! I am no longer a diagnostic, and have joined the coveted ranks of “General Population” (GP). I am finally wearing State Browns, and they look good on me. I have a figure again! I’ve got so much to tell.

 

My time at diagnostics was rough and I had so little time to even write Kelly and let him know I was okay. I think I have a very easy week of nothing to do until I start my detail, so I’ll finally get caught up on my correspondence. I’m sure Kelly has told everyone already that I’m at Lee Arrendale State Prison, known amongst inmates as Alto (we are in Alto, Georgia).

 

It’s an old prison, and up until 3 months ago, it was a men’s maximum-security prison. Remember when I once said prison looks like a college dorms and nothing like it does on television? Well, strike that. This prison is straight out of television. I’ll get to the “how I got here” story later. Up until 3 months ago, there’d only been 3 prisons for women-Metro (mainly for sick and mental), Pulaski (Medium security), and Washington. Washington had to close so they transferred them to here. There were a lot of repeat offenders among us at Metro, and they could tell you all about the other two prisons but since no one has ever been to Alto, it remained a mystery to us.

 

First, it’s so huge you could fit both Pulaski and Metro’s compound onto our side of this one (male juveniles are still housed here). We have rolling hills of fence, razor wire and watchtowers. The dorms are open – it’s like living in a huge gymnasium with rooms lining the walls. Almost like Fulton County, but huge. Get this, each dorm houses 96 women!! Yes, I live with 95 others! But it’s so open and so big; it’s less stressful than living with only 42 in Metro.

 

Our rooms are very, very small. Very! And, get ready for your stomach to turn; I will -be living out the dog days of summer with no A/C. I live in a very old, no A/C facility. I’m kind of use to it since our A/C didn’t work at Metro, so it’s not bad. I can definitely tell I’m not in the city anymore. For one, my lungs miss the smog. Second, the staff is very country, but for the most part very nice. With exception of a few bad seeds, they treat us so good here. Oh, and for those not in-the-know, Alto is just north of Gainesville, Ga. About an hour’s drive from the city if traffic is clear. That’s a definite advantage.

 

They got us through in-take very quickly. We were brought into the in-take dorm yesterday afternoon. They gave us orientation, classified us, gave us a detail and moved us to our final residence by 3pm today. It was a very nerve-racking day, though. Getting your detail is very stressful, as this is your job while you’re in prison. We found out early in the process that all the good details were taken. Pretty much, everyone was getting assigned to dorm orderly (clean and look busy); kitchen (nightmare), and a few lucky girls were being assigned to a pig farm. Yes, a pig farm. There’re over 1400 hogs there that they hand feed and breed. They actually extract semen from the male pigs (use your imagination) and artificially inseminate the females. Of all the details, I would’ve taken that one.

 

But fate stepped in, and I wonder if I was brought to Alto for a reason. When it came time to do my classification interview, the Fire Services chief came in. Now, I had read somewhere that some prisons have a fire department detail, but not at women’s prisons. Guess what? This one does. It’s a new detail for women and extremely coveted – it’s outside detail, as in outside the compound, working in the real world. They read over my file and asked their questions, and she definitely wanted me!! For the next week or two, I have a night orderly detail until they do a full research clearance on me and the warden approves me. Then I officially have fire department detail!!

 

I’m sure there’s very little glamour, but I would rather have a detail I care about. I want the opportunity to work hard and learn something rather than just look busy. I think I have the opportunity to get certified in some things, too. And something cool: If it’s ready and set up, I’ll be moved out of the GP dorm and into the FD trailers. I think they are still on the compound, but supposedly it’s a very sweet deal. I am very excited about this. Even being a night dorm orderly is too easy. Most officers won’t make me work since it’s temporary. But even if they do, it’s usually only two hours of work. When we aren’t on detail, we can basically do whatever.

 

They offer all kinds of activities, too – aerobics, stretching, crochet classes. There is a huge talent show tonight, and tomorrow is our July 4 cookout – with real hamburger meat! My other blessing is that I am in the same dorm as my very good friend and old roommate from Metro, Mary. It was so good to see her and discover we live together. I’ve missed her! I, of course, am classified as the lowest security, and then I’ll be at trustee level, I think, when I go to outside detail. This is built as a max security prison, but it only goes to medium security for now except for lockdown (problem people). You can tell how it used to be by the tray slots in our doors, and even the showers are single stalls with locking cage doors. It makes me cringe thinking about how people used to live here. Yuck!

 

It seems I should have no problem getting Kelly and Mike approved for visitation, then I will finally have contact with the outside world again. Still no luck with my phone list. Still no word on a TPM or parole yet. Should meet with my counselor soon, and hopefully they can find out something. Lots of rumors going around, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they are really trying to get us short termers out. As big as Alto is, it’s filling up quick. And Pulaski has always been full. But prison is a lot easier to handle here. I bet time will fly. So here’s what happened prior to my transfer:

 

My very close friend from Fulton County, Shon, arrived at Metro unexpectedly last Wednesday. I was glad I didn’t leave that night because I wanted to see her a bit. Even come Monday, I was ready to go to GP, but I really didn’t want to leave her. The officer on duty was a real bitch that night and wouldn’t tell who was leaving until after lockdown. Most will tell you around 10pm to give you time to say goodbye, get letters sent out to family, etc. So at midnight she finally called out 4 names. Mine wasn’t one of them. I was a little bit relieved and fell dead asleep. Come 2:30am, the officer unlocks my door, flips the light on and tells me I have 5 minutes to pack and inventory. I was NOT amused. Seems she had lost my move slip, so they almost left me behind and I had no time to prepare.

 

Emotionally, it was tough preparing to leave when I’d been set on staying. Shon should be shipped out in just a few weeks and hopefully she’ll come here. There’s about a 50/50 chance. If not, well, we’ve still got mail. We get each other through. I have a great roommate – very quiet, keeps to herself, doesn’t smoke and does NOT snore! But she’s leaving Thursday. She maxed out on an 18-month sentence. So there’s still another adjustment for me one way or another.

 

After being at Metro and being under such strict rules, it’s good to finally relax, but it’s hard to do. Even right now, it’s 9:10am and I’m sitting on my bed writing this letter. This would be unheard of at Metro. I’m in a whole new world. Once my books are back in shape (thanks to Mike, who means the world to me), I will finally have my own CD player/radio and fan. And I’ll be able to get a package from him with cd’s, tennis shoes, house slippers, lotion, make-up, jewelry, etc. I can’t wait to have music – I haven’t heard music in 4 months!! My colored pencils are no longer contraband and I can get a sketchpad here. I’ll have tweezers for my eyebrows. Yes, this was a very good move.

 

Some major drama went down at Metro that left me in a very delicate position, so the timing was right for me to leave. I think I mentioned I didn’t have the best roommate the last two weeks. Me being me, I found a way to get along with her. She was usually nice and respectful to me, but she carried one of the worst negative attitudes ever. She was always cussing someone out and making threats to others. That and some personal living habits just made it miserable. But we were able to make it work best we could, since I knew it was time for me to leave anyway.

 

Well, last Saturday, it was around 2pm, three officers, one LT, and two captains came storming into our room. I freaked out because I had no idea what was going on. They packed her up and took her to lockdown. Now, I know she’d been investigated a few days prior for stealing from the kitchen and threatening someone there, so we assumed that was what it was. My world changed – having the room to myself was amazing, and having her stress gone, the whole range was better. I started sleeping good again. All was well. Then Monday a.m., she returned, back to my room. I immediately sensed something was wrong. She was directing a lot of negative energy towards me. She left for detail and about 5 people came to me and said they were really sorry and had no idea it had gotten that bad. Huh?! Turns out, someone, or two people, turned in official statements under my name on her. A statement is like a complaint, but it’s serious. Obviously, since she went to lockdown. I never turned in a statement. It was never that bad.

 

So that’s why she was mad. Long story short, we still don’t really know the truth about all that happened. I just know I’m glad I left that night. So that’s pretty much the latest. I probably have a ton of diagnostic stories to catch up on this week since I’ll have time and couldn’t write about it there. But at least I’ve had time to write and tell everyone I’m doing good. Thank you for keeping the mail coming. I’m trying to respond to everyone this week, but I’ve got to wait on money to go to store for postage. If anyone sent mail to me at Metro and I left too soon, it will eventually follow me here. Thank you all for your continued support!! Sunday, July 3, marks 4 months down! I couldn’t have made it this far without the support I have. Hopefully it’s almost over. If not, well, it’s all going to be okay : )

 

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7/8/05  Friday

 

Holy Frijoles! Talk about one hell of a whirlwind day. This is probably the most action I’ve seen in a long time. I’ve hot news that’ll blow you socks off. No, no word on going home yet. But really, that’s not even a worry right now. You know how I’ve basically been asking why in the hell I’m in prison for the last four months? Well the answer has come to me suddenly. I’ve been truly, truly blessed. I’ve already written home about having been chosen for the Fire Department. Well, today I got word I have been officially approved! This is a HUGE deal! Out of the five women who came in with me and were chosen for the FD, I was the only one approved by the warden. They are extremely picky about people’s backgrounds. This was a surprise because I thought it would be another week. Here’s how it all played out…

 

I’ve been a temporary night dorm orderly since I got here. That means I don’t do anything. I used to sleep, read and draw all day, everyday. I assumed today would be more of the same. Then around 7:00am, Ms. Britt, the officer, called me out. I thought I might’ve gotten in trouble for missing too many pill calls or something. But she looked at her list and said she was so proud of me for going to Fire Department detail. That’s how I found out. I was so excited I could hardly sit still. The Fire Chief called me out around 10am. There I met four others. Their names escape me, but here’s the part that totally blows me away; you won’t believe this, kids. You know how I’m prone to falling into once-in-a-lifetime opportunities every now and then? Well, this one sort of takes the cake. I am officially the 5th member of the very first and only all women fire department in the entire country! Not just inmates, but all fire departments! How cool is that? Now get this; we are eventually going to be on CNN and someone is going to do a full documentary on us. This is CRAZY! This is straight from the horse’s mouth, too, not rumor mill. So much for my incarceration being incognito. But guess what? I don’t even care. This is too grand of an honor. I came to prison to live out a dream – and make serious history, didn’t I? How did this happen to me? I am so excited and crazy about this – even far crazier and excited and motivated that any other job I’ve ever had.

 

As soon as I met the other girls, the chief told me I was going to be moving today (I did). We went to in-take and got measured for our fire gear. Right now we’ve got to make due with what is left from when the men were there. Oh, a note about the other girls…They’re wonderful! All of them are so very nice. And considering our line of work, that’s vital. Then we lift for the firehouse. What an ordeal. Every time we leave the compound, we go through a shakedown. Anything we leave with besides our study materials we can not bring back in. So I feel really naked without my watch. It’s so weird after 4 months of being locked up so tight – now I get room to move. We drive the ½ mile to the station in a real van. And we work as if we are real people in the real world, not inmates. The chief doesn’t treat us like inmates at all. We spent most of our day practicing rapid dress – putting your full uniform in less than 2 minutes. Since I’m new, I had to learn everything, so I wasn’t timed. But there I was, standing in a real, full-on suit, breathing apparatus and all. It was so very surreal. One of those moments in my life I’ll never forget. We also practiced knots. She quizzed two of them who’ve been there awhile. Both got the knot wrong I love it – when we’re quizzed on the spot and get it wrong we’ve got to do push ups. The chief listens to country music. So we listen to the radio all day –what a nice change from R&B that I’ve been forced to listen to. Today was great actually singing along to a radio.

 

We also washed our transport van. I learned a lot abut the FD. We cover several counties once we’re up and running. Also, we’re full service, meaning us inmates are it – the only employees are the chiefs. Chances are, if I’m here long enough, I’ll be driving the trucks! This is far beyond anything I thought I’d ever experience. We are trying to get MOD I certified in the next two weeks. We’ve got study materials, so almost all my off time will be spent on that. The canine unit is housed next the FD, so they brought one of the newer dogs over to do a sweep. It was so cool. The dogs went crazy at one of the girl’s lockers. Once she freaked out, the chief showed us why. They stuck a piece of tape inside the locker that smells like marijuana – and it really does, like the good stuff. Also, one other cool thing; fighting fires doesn’t work too well with glasses, especially since our face mask has to be sealed. So by GDC rules, I get to wear contacts! I’m so excited about this. We just have to figure out how to get them. We drove down to the training center where they train CO’s so we could do a quick clean. I got to see a beautiful view of the mountains. It seems the area around all prisons and jails are ghetto. Even out here in this tiny town of Alto in north Georgia. Mostly rundown trailers. Just when you think you’ve seen it all… We drove right by a rundown trailer and the owners where in the midst of building a house around it. I was floored. I wish I had a camera. You can buy a house here for $29,000. WOW. You can’t even buy a cardboard box in the outskirts of Atlanta for that.

 

Arriving back at the compound, we go through an entire strip search, to include “squat and cough” every single day. But it’s so worth it. I really like how tight this group is. Chief talked to us for an hour today about brotherhood and how it’s going to be a pillar in our line of work. So very true. What happens at the station, stays at the station on all levels. I know this to be true, because everyone on this compound has only been able to speculate so far. Our standard response when people ask what we’ve done all day is “study and exercise”, which is true; we just don’t go into detail. I really like that because everyone is trying to get on and asks a thousand questions everyday. It’s almost annoying. I got back to the dorm around 3pm, and before I could even say a word to the CO to sign in, she told me to pack up to be moved. I barely had 5 minutes! Yes, yet another adjustment, and this one still isn’t permanent. I’m now in the pre-honor dorm. It’s a pretty decent set-up. It’s got carpet and huge-ass noisy fans – I’m so happy about that because I’ll sleep so good. And for the first time in four months, I can use the bathroom in privacy! The downsides, well, I live in very close quarters with 5 other roommates, and 12 of us share one shower. Most of my roommates are on laundry detail so they demand that the room be quiet after 9pm. I’m very happy about that.

 

The one major downside is readjusting to a very different environment. Most people are very long termers who’ve been here awhile and really try to alienate the new people. Most of them are very nice, though. The girl under me has been very kind and even loaned me a pair of shorts until store on Monday. It’s a little lonely; because it’s the first time I’ve really been without real friends in a long time. It’s really not so bad since I will be really busy through the week, and studying every chance I get. I have to put in a request to get moved to 17, one of the real honor dorm ASAP. They are trying to get us all into one room before we start responding to calls. And hopefully eventually, we’ll be living in the trailers. We saw them right at the back gate today. It would be really sweet living. No officer lives near us – the only time we’d ever see one is during count times at night. Talk about the elite! It’s all happened so fast I just can’t believe it.

 

For awhile now, I’ve wondered if Pop can see me, and if he’s disappointed in me for giving up the fight and ending up in prison, or if he’s proud of me for handling things the way I have. And standing in that fire station today, getting the same lecture on the importance of brotherhood I’m sure he got as a volunteer firefighter for so many years, and wearing the same full Turnout gear I watch him put on so many times…I’d really like to think he was watching, and that he is really proud of me. Ironically, tomorrow marks one year since his passing. The very last conversation Pop and I had a week before he passed was about my frustrations with the city of Atlanta. They were giving me the runaround when I was trying to find out about any open volunteer slots with the City of Atlanta and Fulton County. And one guy told me outright that being a woman was going to work against me. How ironic that I end up with the very elite, in the only all women fire department. We are all ready to prove ourselves. This prison used to be all men, so it’s an adjustment for everyone, but it will come with time. But amazing gifts and dreams come in very strange and sometimes questionable packages. I’ve really been handed my dream. And this isn’t something I can get in the real world even, not like this.

 

Now my only fear is parole. What a backwards situation. Yeah, I miss home. But I really want the chance to become fully certified here and serve with this department. Most people write the parole board to try to get out early. Would it be unheard of to write and ask them to delay my parole? I honestly think if I was given the chance to parole and go home now or stay, I’d stay. I feel kind of guilty about that because that’s leaving Kelly and Mike with the burden of handling my life and my affairs. I figure I was given this gift, so if I’m meant to stay and finish it out, I will. I’ve heard that as long as I dedicated myself and work hard, I will have no problem finding a job immediately if I choose to. I am truly blessed, and very little could rain on my parade today. I’m very sad that I still can’t call anyone. 1.5 months without hearing anyone’s voice is bad enough, but this is something I’d love to call home to talk about. If I just make it through the weekend, life will be good. The move to a new dorm sort of puts a dent in it. My money order from Mike got here a day late (Metro sucks) so I missed store on Wednesday. I’ve not had store in 3 weeks, so no food. During the week this is fine, but weekends are rough. They only give us breakfast at 5am and dinner at 6pm. That’s 13 hours with no food. Gah! But I’ll make due. Michele was going to loan me food. At least I go to store two days earlier now. Well, I need a shower. Just had to get this out. I’m exhausted!!

 

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7/12/05  Tuesday

 

It’s Tuesday already, and I’m in a pretty damn fine mood. Yesterday was finally store day and the money on my books was straight, so I’m in good shape (thanks again a million times to Mike.) And…I forewent some junk food to get a radio. I worked a deal out with a friend here. They were out of the CD/radios, so I got a small am/fm radio. I’m going to use it until I can get a CD/radio and she’s going to buy this one from me, that way I can finally listen to my own music. I am so overwhelmed after hearing no music for over 4 months. It would’ve made such a huge difference having a radio through FC and diagnostics. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed in just music. So, that completely turned my world around.

 

 The CO did mail call pretty late last night. I wasn’t expecting to see any mail because I just moved to this dorm so I thought it might take some time due to the change. So imagine my surprise when the CO came to me with TWELVE letters! She asked if I got the whole town to write me? : ) You guys made feel so loved!

 

 Because a good portion of them were blog updates, I spent three hours – yes three, reading mail. Bless Erin’s soul – the girl has spent some serious time and frustration printing blog stuff out for me, not the mention postage! Thank you, Erin, from April on, and what a gem of a surprise!! Sitting and reflecting on where I’ve been and how far I’ve come was amazing! I mean, it stretched all the way back to Fulton County. It makes me really, really sad that I wasn’t able to keep up with writing beyond the basics while at diagnostics. I’m going to try and keep it a priority here, because to be able to look back and reflect was priceless.

 

 It was nice to see my witty, humorous writing side; that seemed to fall away in diagnostics. I think it’s back, so no fear. Reading my entries for the first time was almost like reading about someone else. Perhaps there is potential for a book in these pages. I also have a lot of letters to get sent out. I’ve sent out several via Kelly (low on postage) and more are on the way.

 

 For the record, I am at peace with doing the full 18 months. Mostly, I mean… I have my moments where I crave home and real world things, but for the most part, I‘m ready to suck it up and do it. I really think being on the FD is the driving factor. I hate to do anything half-assed, to include an 18-month prison sentence. And while having music sounds like such a minor thing, it makes a world of difference. Music has always been my anti-depressant, and now that I have it to keep me going, nothing can hold me back now. Between that and the fire department, that fire (no pun intended) has been rekindled in me.

 

 For awhile, I thought I was just going to coast through prison without a purpose, taking up space, and go back to the real world eventually. Oh hell no! That’s never been my style and it never will be. So I can only imagine how I’m going to be when I hit the ground running. I’m very content with where I am mentally right now. I haven’t been here in awhile, so it feels really good. Also, Mike has been approved for visitation so he can start visiting anytime, and Kelly should be approved soon. This will help.

 

 Let’s see, not much else to report. I rarely get to see TV and it’s hard to read the newspaper since there’s one for 100 people, so I’ve been oblivious to what’s going on in the world. I wasn’t even aware of Hurricane Dennis until it hit us. I hear Atlanta is a mess. We just got one day of crazy rain, but being out here in the open made for some amazing skies. I miss my camera! It was amazing. The power was out at the station, so we didn’t get called out to go. It worked out because I spent 3 hours in medical for the face rash and BP checkup.

 

 They’ve got me a little nervous. They are suddenly testing for colon cancer out of the blue. I guess because I’ve had gastric issues, coupled with the fact my uncle once had colon cancer. I’m sure it’s just routine. Well, time to go. I’ll write more later.

 

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Sunday, July 31, 2005

 

 Email from Mike:

Well....I finally got to see Andi!!!!

 

Kelly and I went to the metropolis of Alto, GA this AM to see her.....unfortunately, the state being what they are...there "list" did not contain Kelly's name so he was denied access.....he took it well...I would have been pissed.....

 

Anyway....the guards at Alto are incredibly nicer than Fulton County...pleasant, professional and polite....what a shock to my system....I was given instructions to pass through a series of interlocked doors to the visiting area...they verifyed my access stamp and told me to take a seat in the visitation area which was a large room with plastic chairs facing one another....one chair was for the visitor and the one opposite for the inmate being visited....the prisoners must sit with their backs to the wall therefore I had to sit facing the wall...I had to wait 5 - 10 minutes for her to get there....

 

The room was like a school cafereria....vending machines lined one wall and there were plants etc. decorating the dead space....

 

Andi entered from the right through another set of doors and looked absolutely fantastic....she had to check her ID at the desk and then was allowed to come to me....I had not touched her in 5 months and it was incredibly wonderful to give her a huge hug....her hair has gotten so long that it is no longer than any time since we have met....obviously her blonde highlights have grown out and her "brown" natural hair has grown into the center "part" area of her head....she cannot wait to get it colored when she gets out....she was dressed in a pressed tan uniform with "State Prison" adorning the back....frankly...the uniform was fairly form fitting and looked nice on her....on her feet she wore combat type boots (black) that had a Maxi Pad in each for added comfort...LOL....I told her she had not read the instructions very carefully....she assured me that when her sneakers arrive in a week or two (on order) life would be better

 

She talked with obvious excitement about her firefighting and although fun...it is also very demanding so letters etc. are reserved for weekends....but she begged me to let everyone know that receiving letters is extremely important to her so PLEASE....don't stop writing....

 

Books are virtually non-existant...she can receive teo per month that she must order with money on her books and only directly from the publisher so first she has to know who that is....

 

She has a catch 22 on housing...because of the firefighting thing she gets preferred housing at a trustee level which is good because she is lumped in with people that don't cause problems but at the same time many have been there for a long time and she is the outcast....AND there are 12 in her room so privacy is minimal....but she is still doing great and wants everyone to know she totally appreciates everything...especially Kelly and Rae who have helped in so many ways and went shopping for her last week and got her everything on her list (although the panties didn't make it through cuz they were not "granny" enough...LOL....prison issue ones are OK though)....she hates relying on people in any way but I reassured her she should not dwell on that...

 

Anyhow....we talked about a ton of other stuff...ate snacks...drank drinks...hugged one last time and went our seperate ways....but I wanted everyone to know she is hanging in there and doing OK....and seeing her was the highlight of my day/week/month....and thanks to Kelly for being patient while I spent time with her....

 

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7/22/05  Friday  8:05PM

 

Hey Everyone,

Well, the good news is the weeks are flying by now. Somehow, it’s nearing the end of July already, and I’m approaching the five-month mark. I try not to monitor a calendar so closely so that I wake up every once and awhile and realize haw much time has passed. The bad part about it is that because things are moving so fast, my writing has gone down the drain. I come in exhausted every night from detail and fall asleep by 8:30pm if I can make it that long. And, I admit, I get very lazy on the weekends. It’s very much like life in the real world in some aspects, except I am doing very hard, physical labor every weekday. That’s a far cry from the desk jobs I’m used to. I’ve gone from pushing a mouse around on a Mac to pushing around a lawn mower on a field. But guess what? I’m loving it!

 

I’ve got so much to tell as always. I am vowing to get loads of stuff written this weekend and sent out finally! First, its been so long since I’ve written, forgive me if I repeat myself. Trust me when I say if I had my laptop here, I would write so much ya’ll would give up on trying to read my stuff. But pushing a pen across pages for hours is tiring. Okay, enough complaining, lets get to it.

 

It’s the weekend, unfortunately. Yeah, it’s the reverse in here. Out there, civilians live for holidays and weekends. In here, most of us who can’t stand extreme laziness dread the weekends when time seems to crawl to a near stop. Our weekends hold few options – read, sleep, and television. That about covers it. We leave the dorm only for breakfast and dinner (we must provide our own lunch). Those lucky enough to get visitation get out for a few hours. It’s just awful, really. It’s the one time reality and loneliness gets a chance to set in.

 

Last week was especially a source of pleasure/pain, by my own doing. I stayed glues to 99x on the radio while I studied all weekend. They had their top 1000 alternative songs of all-time on from 10am to midnight. Man, too many songs bringing back memories of my life on the outside. Some reminding me of current friends, lost loves, and events dating all the way back to high school. The most painful songs were reminders of past trips to Texas and Jackson, MS to see Rat Ranch – trips I won’t be taking this summer to see them – and times to come.

 

Talk about a serious let down. The number one song was as I expected, but vehemently willed a miracle to happen. Unfortunately, Nirvana’s “Smell Like Teen Spirit” still reigns some, what…13 years later. Yeah, 25+ hours of listening time ending in such an anti-climax. Did I mention I despise nirvana and their music? Yeah, okay, they changed the face of rock music forever. And really, that’s half the problem I have with them. I loved the hair bands and corny power ballads. Not grunge bands trying to make bold political statements cloaked in suicides and such. But that’s just one girl’s opinion. Yes, Nirvana fans everywhere will want to shoot me. I guess gotten a little off track here. Good thing I’m protected by hundreds of thousands of yards of razor wire and many, many, many officers – Nirvana fans are crazy. I know! I live among them.

 

With any luck, my weekend will be broken up tremendously with my first visitation tomorrow. I found out about two weeks ago Mike was somehow approved for visitation already. So I wrote and told him since MCI refuses to let me call anyone. I didn’t know if I gave him enough notice, so I wasn’t even expecting a visit last week. I just got a letter from him today saying he drove to the sleepy town of Alto, but got here an hour after visitation ended. He didn’t say anything about this weekend, but if I know him, he’ll be here. I’m quite excited – I’ve not had contact with anyone on the outside other than the occasional letter in two months. And unlike county, I will get to hug him and actually sit here with him. Hopefully Kelly will be approved soon, too.

 

I’ve got a ton of stuff to say about life at the Fire Department so I’m going to save that for last. So far, I’ve stayed in this form for over a week now. It was by far the hardest adjustment besides first going into Fulton county, but I’m finally more comfortable and not quite at home, but close enough. Of the six beds on my side of the room, two are empty for now. One bed is occupied by a girl I really could live without. The other two beds belong to Crystal and Shannon. They’ve been a couple for 16 months now. At first, Crystal was real put off by me until she realized I’m not a threat to her of Shannon. I’m not chummy enough with them to hang out and gossip with them or anything, but I get along with them very well. They are kind enough to wake me for breakfast if needed, and last night they apparently killed a big-ass bug that landed on my butt and tried to spend the night there as I slept. I was oblivious to the whole thing.

 

A bathroom and shower separates us from the other six in our room. Over there, I only really talk to one girl, Quin. Well, used to. She used to be on the FD with me. More on that later. Lauren is across the hall, also on the FD. She and I are very much alike. We have gotten to be pretty good buddies. I’ve got some crazy Lauren stories for later. There are a handful of other folks that I make small talk with. And my friend, Tenley, upstairs, is moving down here Monday. Her best friend, Dean, just moved down Monday and is waiting for approval for the FD. I have a feeling I’ll be among that crazy little group. So slowly but surely, I’m finding my place. The important thing to me is that the four of us at the FD have bonded and formed our Brotherhood. That’s where I really feel at home.

 

We live in what’s considered the pre-honor dorm. We are all waiting for beds to open up in the honor dorm, but we get most of the same privileges. Sometimes I fail to see the honor in this dorm, especially since we’re living in 6-man areas, in 12-man rooms. Industrial carpet, a huge-ass fan (no A/C on this compound) and being allowed to visit other rooms are supposed to be some perks, which they are. The one perk my roommates get to indulge in, that is probably my biggest struggle dealing with, is that the officers let them smoke in here 24/7. You all know how I feel about that. Yes, it’s miserable. My sinuses are the worst they’ve been since High School when I live at home. But, there’s nothing I can do about it at all. As we speak, someone is smoking a Black and Mild next to me – it’s very much like a Swisher Sweet. It actually smells better than cigarettes. And, I once thought nothing could smell worse than cigarettes – try cheap, hand-rolled cigarettes. That’s what everyone smokes here.

 

There is one honor dorm perk I got to participate in this week. Every Monday night, they show a movie in the gym just for us. This week it was “Million Dollar Baby”. It was fantastic! I was so exhausted but I’m so glad I went. Hillary Swank was amazing. You know ¾ of the crowd was crying, including your truly. That was a nice perk.

 

I am finding my self in a weird place lately. Of all places, as miserable as it was most of the time, I’m finding myself very homesick for Metro. I thing such contrasts are very common for people – finding priceless nuggets of pleasure among miserable chaos seems to stick with you. I mean, our diagnostic experience was easily the real punishment part of prison. The majority of our time there is spent in pure hell. But some of my most favorite times in my entire incarceration were there.

 

My friendships there were honest and true – they weren’t just people I sort of got along with to pass the time. We spent every minute together we could. There was no such thing as “mine”, only “ours”. And we honest to goodness spent most of our time together laughing so hard we cried. We had our rituals, our habits. It just worked. We all have events in our lives we’ll remember fondly. Most of you know mine and Kelly’s last year or so in Texas ranks pretty high on my list – Rat Ranch, Cody’s, our friends, road trips, etc. and it kind of baffles me that a few moments in my personal hell on earth rank among our last year in Texas and the rituals Mike and I’ve put together the last two years – our hockey and Rams games, and our jokes that cause wine to spew from my nose.

 

I suppose that’s what’s made my experience in Alto so hard to adjust to. Those girls and I separated in the system, and now I’m living among the girls that have had that for years already. I think the fire department is going to be my saving grace. It is not your typical detail – our lives depend on each other, and that really adds a bonding element to our friendship. Regardless, I will be sad knowing those days at Metro are gone, and I know they won’t be replicated. But they sure make me smile. I can’t wait to get more time to go into detail about them.

 

In other news, my assigned mental health counselor got a hold of me finally on Monday. I’ve started to write about it a number of times this week, but just thinking about it exhausts me. Back at Metro, I requested to be put on the mental health caseload for counseling only, no medication. I know that’s unheard of - most people refuse the counseling and will do anything to get the meds. In fact, when you meet with them, they are always poised with the pen over the prescription pad. But you know me…I’m anti-med girl. So I’m finally given a counselor. I figure at the very least I need some grief counseling in relation to Pop. And, if I find a counselor who is actually willing to counsel, I probably need to invest some serious time into unloading some Jim baggage. Long story short, this counselor is probably going to be able to help, as painful as it’s going to be. I did not realize how many games I play with myself to deep all those emotions under control. At first, I thought this woman was just being mean or was plain crazy. She hit a real sore spot by challenging my case; basically telling me there’s no way I could be innocent considering the sentence I was served. I mean, the woman all but called me a liar. I struggled so hard to not get defensive with her. Then she just seemed to deep pushing every single button I had – within 5 minutes, she had me in all-out tears of frustration. That’s the short version. It really disturbed me. It stuck with me all day and through the week. And I finally realized what was going on. I thought at first she was a half-assed, bad counselor. But no, she’s going to be one of those really good counselors, isn’t she?

 

Most of you know I went through several months of counseling with Beth a few years ago. It was very comforting, like talking to an old friend. But as I look back now, I realized Beth was probably too passive with me. That just let me feed into my own games. I think this woman caught on to right away, that I am a master at burying things and moving forward, never letting those emotions surface. And she pushed my buttons on purpose to break through that. Very scary, because the woman actually got in.

 

Towards the end, she admitted that she wasn’t really trying to challenge my innocence, and she felt that if I really wanted to resolve the Jim baggage, it’s going to take someone who knows how to be aggressive, yet passive when necessary.

 

I’ve done some thinking about my sessions with Beth. Yeah, I realize now, Beth was an easy ticket. Beth would lead very gently up to questions, and when we got to things that make me squirm, she would feed me the “right” answer if I stared at her long enough. Not Ms. Caldwell. I could stare all day, and she would star back until I really answered her questions, which were mostly point blank.

 

It’s suddenly occurred to me how good I’ve gotten at masking things below the surface. Everything is still revolting to keep them there. But I know if I don’t do something about this now, it’s going to follow me back out to the real world, and my issues, fears, pain, hurt, anger, sadness, fury, etc with Jim will still be there even though the trial is over.

 

I really don’t want to live like that. So, I’m going to give it a try. I’m scared as hell to say the least. Terrified, actually. This boat is going to be navigated into dark, uncharted territories. I’m honestly afraid of unraveling and not being able to keep it all together. But I figure it’s better to unravel now, willingly, rather than down the road when it’s because I really can’t hold it together anymore. So I’ll be going to grief counseling group every Thursday, and seeing Ms. Caldwell once a week. I think I start Monday. Did I mention I’m terrified?!