I’m still here!

I hate that I let my blog fall by the wayside, but sometimes life has a way of putting you on a different track.  Such is life for my husband and I – I am happy to report that we are expecting our first baby in late July/early August.  As I mentioned in my last (very outdated) post, I had major surgery to remove a tumor from my pituitary gland.  Prior to surgery, my chances of getting pregnant were zero.  After surgery, my Endocrinologist told me it was okay to stay off birth control and let nature takes its course, but not to get my hopes up for at least a year or two.  Yeah, well, it took one try and we were blessed with our little one.  I’m now 27 weeks along and in the home stretch.

Between school and preparing for a baby, I have let a lot of my prison-related activities fall by the wayside, blog especially.  Now that another semester is behind me, I will put more time and energy here.  I have such a long list of things to discuss on this blog and where to begin is a tough one.  I’ll sort through them and figure it out.

I am still volunteering for a wonderful organization, New Vision Organization (NVO).  They primarly provide paralegal assistance and motivation/counseling to incarcerated individuals.  I am working on starting up a newsletter for the organization, but it’s a slow going process.  The organization relies solely on volunteers, so getting everyone on the same page is difficult.

Another volunteer started a weekly internet radio show and I was asked to be a guest last month.  I was both flattered and honored to do the radio show.  It’s been a long time since I’ve put myself in the spotlight, but it was fun and I’d love to do it again.  So I’ll leave today’s blog with a link to the radio show if you’re interested.  I am the guest for the first 30 minutes.

Andi Barney NVO Radio Interview

Published in:  on April 24, 2009 at 10:55 pm Leave a Comment
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This Blog is Still Alive.

My apologies.  I realize I’ve been a slacker and haven’t posted in ages.

I actually had surgery on September 11.  It was more or less a brain surgery (tumor removed from my pituitary gland) which was pretty rough to begin with.  Then I ended up with a spinal fluid leak with put me back in the hospital and flat on my back for nearly 6 days.  It took awhile to recover from all of that, plus I had a lot of catching up to do with my college classes.

My 7 week hiatus from work ends next week, then I guess life will be back to normal.  I’ve truly enjoyed having time at home with my husband, and I’m sad to go back to my old schedule where we don’t see each other except for a few hours on the weekend and Monday nights.  But such is life.

Being sedentary and forced into ‘taking it easy’ has not been good for my frame of mind.  I did good for the first five weeks or so, but now on the sixth week, I am finding myself battling similar thoughts and issues as I had to face while in prison.  I have been reminded that our mind, our thoughts, truly run us.  And if our thoughts run in the wrong direction, they can be quite toxic and put us a few steps back.

I have started losing my steam.  My interest in hobbies or nearly any activity has plummeted.  My mind has started racing, sending my thoughts and fears down a track like a runaway train.  My mind has spiraled downward so much that I think I’ve started inventing problems, or imagining things that ‘might’ happen, though they likely won’t.  And idle mind can be a scary one.

So I’m going back to the things that worked inside the fence.  I am meditating again, which is something I should never have stopped doing.  I am reading books that I know will lift me up and get me motivated and excited.  Most importantly, I am forcing myself to get up and just do something.

I’d like to recommend some reading material, for those who have served time, are serving time, or just having a rough time. 

“We’re All Doing Time” by Bo Lozoff – one of the best books on earth when it comes to meditation or learning to turn negative thoughts in to better ones.  Bo Lozoff is a blessing to the prison community.  Anyone in an Federal, county or state institution can write to Lozoff’s organization and the book will be sent to them for free.  The book isn’t just for those who have or are serving a prison sentence.  Afterall, as I have learned, sometimes people in the ‘real world’ are suffering more than those behind bars.

“The Powermind System:  Twelve Lessons on the Psychology of Success” by Michael Monroe Kiefer, M.S. - I know there are thousands of books out there that talk about all angles of success.  And believe me, I’m sure I’ve read most of them.  But this one has truly been my favorite and constant reference manual.  It’s not just about setting goals and sticking to them.  It’s finding out what you really want for your life and making sure it matches up with your goals.  Most impressive is the fact that Kiefer includes plenty of material on superlearning and problem solving.

“The Power of Your Subconscious Mind” by Dr. Joseph Murphy – This is a classic but timeless book.  You can probably find it in the bookstore for $5.99 or used for under a dollar.  But like Kiefer’s book, it’s a book I use constantly as a refernce manual.  I truly believe that our Subconscious Mind ‘runs’ us.  You find what you look for.  If you are looking for the negative, that’s what you will find in every situation. 

“The Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls – I am usually resistant to bestsellers (because many of them are overrated) but this book came highly recommended to me.  I mostly read it during my two hospital stays, and it seems every nurse, doctor and visitor was either reading it or knew someone that was.  Ever read a book that was so horrible and so wonderful at the same time?  This is one of those books.  We all have rough patches in our past, but to read Walls’ tales of her childhood, it’s hard to swallow and accept that so much can happen to one girl.  If you’ve ever felt down about your situation, read this book and you’ll realize maybe life isn’t so bad.

Published in:  on October 28, 2008 at 1:07 am Leave a Comment

What’s the Answer?

I suppose most issues and problems in the world pass us by unnoticed until they somehow affect us directly.  It’s human nature.  I’ll be the first to admit that inmates and ex-offenders was one of those problems for me.  I was oblivous to them and their struggles, like your average American, believing my local politicians when they said they were getting ‘tough on crime’ and reducing my need for worry.  And then I went to prison and realized things are not what they seem.

Most people I know and grew up with keep their families in areas they feel are safe and relatively safe from crime.  None of my friends even know a single person besides myself, and one friend for a DUI, who has been arrested, much less charged with a major offense.  Perception is truth, so if we don’t see people around us being arrested or going to prison, we must not be around criminals, and therefore why should we care what happens in the prison system?

The truth of the matter is we are all surround by crime and criminals these days.  Look at the statistics.  Congress signed into law this April the Recidivism Reduction and Second Chance Act of 2007.  The Bill text states that each year the 3,200 jails throughout the United States will release more than 10 million people back into the community.  Recent studies indicate that over 2/3 of released State prisoners are expected to be rearrested for a felony or serious misdemeanor within 3 years after release.

Politicians and other community influencers lead us to believe that prison is a fix all.  We clean up the streets, arrest the criminals, lock them up, and all is well.  But is all really well?  How many people really know what prison is?  How many people know what a criminal really learns while locked away in an 8 x 10 cell?  How many people really know prison is just an industry convention for those who are best at what they do?

It doesn’t occur to most of us that prison doesn’t cure anything.  It doesn’t make someone say, “Gosh.  I really should get a job and do right.”  It doesn’t occur to us that even if someone really did make a decision to walk straight while they are in prison, their chances of being hired by a good and stable employer are slim to none.  It doesn’t occur to us that once they are released, they usually have one option and that is to return to the very place they have come from.  A good protion of criminals are bred from their families, yet in Georgia most people paroling out of prison are only approved to return to family members.

I truly believe the biggest problem criminals face is living a life different than they know.  Career criminals have spent their lives getting by.  Most haven’t held stable and legitimate jobs.  They know how to score money quickly and easily, despite the risk of getting caught.  This is what they know.  They haven’t been taught to earn it, to put effort into building a career and reap the rewards later.  If they aren’t learning it prison, where do we expect them to learn how to change their ways?  Why do we feel safe with them returning to our communities?

Learning of these issues is what has driven me to commit to another 7 to 10 years of education.  It’s a topic I’ve been passionate about for sometime, but I am finding a new passion, and sometimes disappointment, rising within me lately.  I’ve begun working with a startup non-profit organization geared toward re-entry for prisoners.  I am disappointed to learn how most organizations are overlooked and tossed aside with little to no support from the very politicians and government that preach to us about ‘getting tough on crime’.

We’ve always known that government talks a big game but lacks in the follow-through.  Especially when so many people are profiting off the prison system, which has become widely privatized and is lucrative for many people.

So I guess my new question is, what will make them listen?  What will make them understand that the 8 x 10 prison cell isn’t working alone or as part of this ‘program’?

Maybe we need to be educated just as the criminals behind bars need to be educated.

Published in:  on July 21, 2008 at 8:07 pm Comments (1)
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Tougher Parole Laws in Georgia

A hot topic within the Georgia prison system these days is tougher parole laws.  Georgia has the fifth largest incarcerated population in the country and that population is growing.  No new prisons are in the works, only wings built on to existing prisons where possible.  Where will the inmates, with the ever-increasing rate of convictions, go?

Georgia has a ‘guidelines system’ in place already which, from my understanding, is the norm for most state prison systems.  Basically when an inmate enters the prison system, they are evaluated based on their education, job background, family support, living situation and, most importantly, past convictions, charges and incarcerations.  After an evaluation, the parole board will determine the inmate’s Temporary Parole Month(TPM) for release, or close the file for another six months to a year if they feel the inmate is not ready for parole.  How accurate is this system?  Who knows.  I’ve done a lot of research but very little information is made public on how exactly the system works to determine parole.

Because of tougher mandatory sentences and the growing population, Georgia has decided to target violent offenders, especially violent repeat offenders.  I personally think this is long overdue.

It’s no secret that drug crimes make up the bulk of the incarcerated population.  With that are crimes related to drug activity (breaking and entering, robbery, shootings, etc.).  It’s been my experience that those convicted of only drug possession, intent to distribute and trafficking parole much quicker than other crimes.  I served two years in Georgia’s prison system, and I saw some girls more than once during that time, all possession charges.  Some return within days of release.

I honestly believe this is a step that is long overdue for Georgia’s system.  Of any offender, the violent offender is the one that needs to be behind bars for longer sentences.  Especially in a system that clearly states that prison is not meant for rehabilitiation, but instead for punishment and to keep the public ’safe’.  If that is indeed the purpose of prison in this state, then yes, violent offenders should have stricter parole rules.  Parole is a privelege, not a right.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not hold a grudge against the system for my experience.  But to this day I don’t understand why I served every single day of my two-year sentence while I watched violent offenders leave after serving only one-third of their sentence.

My ‘guidelines’ would show that I was very stable.  I was employed, making very good money.  I had my own apartment, my own car.  I was a contributing member of society, paying taxes loyally, and going to college to improve my future.  I had a very large network of support made up of friends and family.  My charge was forgery, which is a serious crime but by no means violent.  My record was clean – I had never even had a speeding ticket before I was charged with forgery.  The point is, my guidelines should’ve shown that my chances of recidivism were quite low.  I would’ve been better off as a contributing, tax-paying member of society rather than soaking up other taxpayers’ dollars.

I do not feel that I should’ve been an exception, nor did I ever ask for special treatment.  I took a plea bargain and was sentenced, so yes, I deserved to be punished.  But I can’t logically figure out why inmates like myself, who have made a bad decision somewhere along the way, spend more time in a cell than others who are a much, much bigger threat to society.  There is a big difference between someone who makes a mistake or a bad choice one and needs to learn from it and someone who leads a consistent life of crime.

The three probation officers I’ve had since my release have constantly reminded me that being on supervised probation is still like being in prison, I just have the freedom to function in the real world.  I disagree with that, by the way, but that is neither here nor there.  If that’s the case, wouldn’t have been a better judgement to save tax dollars and instead have me stay on supervised probation, where I actually have to pay someone to supervise me?  I would’ve been one less mouth to feed and one less bed to fill in our overcrowded system.

But I served every single day of my sentence, despite being told by every attorney, court clerk and Deputy that crossed my path that I would serve no more than one-third of my time or less.  I had the cleanest record of any inmate I served time – I was never reprimanded for behavior.  I kept my head down and stayed away from trouble.  I kept to myself and faded into the background as best I could. 

I excelled and pushed myself to achieve the impossible while I was incarcerated.  I became one of the first female inmate firefighters in the state of Georgia.  I went on to a work release program and became the first inmate to work for the Governor.  Despite my good behavior and proof that I do not lead a life of crime, I served every single day of my crime sentence while watching violent offenders go home.

I’m still not bitter.  I would never take back a single day of the time I served.  On this side of it, I am extremely grateful for the opportunities I was given while incarcerated that have pushed me to reach for bigger and better things, to keep on accomplishing the impossible. 

I often think true fairness will probably never happen within our system, but hopefully this will put Georgia a little closer.

Published in:  on June 23, 2008 at 3:45 am Comments (5)
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Share the Joy

I guess our sense of ‘normal’ changes with time, especially when we’ve endured extreme situations.

Every once in awhile I’m still caught off guard with things that take me right back to incarceration.  I suppose it’s something that may never go away.  But I kind of like it.  I think because little moments of freedom meant more or felt stronger when I was locked away and it’s a kind reminder to stop and appreciate them.

I flipped on the television tonight while finishing laundry.  I decided to watch the audition for the new season of “So You Think You Can Dance”.  Immediately in my mind I went right back to the first season of the series.  I could almost smell my room, hear my roommate laughing and feel the sweat dripping off of my face.

I was in a work release program at a transitional center during the first season.  It’s still prison, but I left everyday to go to work at the State Capitol.  It was very tiring holding down a job under the conditions of a transitional center.  Because we left and came back every day, our security was much stricter.  To me, and most, it was worse than actual prison.  It was the pay off for working in the ‘real world’.

I had to catch the early morning bus at 6:30 a.m. in order to arrive at the State Capitol by 8:30 a.m.  I left the Capitol at 4 p.m. in order to get back to the center by 6 p.m.  Arriving at the center was a snap back to our reality.  First we went through the shakedown procedure, meaning an officer looked through our small, clear bags to make sure we weren’t bringing in extra money, contraband or medication.  We walked through a metal detector, then we were stripped and searched by another officer to make sure nothing was hidden on our body or in our clothes.  Depending on the number of girls arriving at the same time, this whole procedure could take up to two hours to get through.  We were tired a lot.

But Monday and Wednesday nights became the bright spot in our week.  We were allowed televisions in our rooms, and most rooms had one.  But getting three girls to agree on one show to watch had the same odds of winning the lottery.  It didn’t happen very often.  This new show “So You Think You Can Dance” was the one exception.

Every Monday and Wednesday night we rushed through the shakedown as soon as we could, then rushed to the chow hall to eat dinner as quickly as possible.  By 9 p.m., most girls would be in their room to catch the new episode of the show.  More laughing among inmates could be heard on those nights than I’d heard in my entire prison sentence.  The mood was lighter.  My roommates and I even managed to forget that our air conditioning wasn’t working and it would reach 95 degrees in our room most days.

My good friend, Missy, lived in a room two down from mine.  Visiting between rooms was strictly forbidden and being caught in someone else’s room was a quick, one-way ticket back to the actual prison.  That didn’t stop us, though.  Certain officers were lazy and never left their station, so we knew when to sneak down and visit someone else.

Missy was more of a goody-two-shoes than even me, and never would risk stopping by my room.  But I usually ran down to her room to ask, “Did you see that?!”  And we’d laugh and high-five when our favorite dancers did well.  During the finale episode when the winner was announced, I  was a little riskier than usual and stood in her room while watching the winner announcement.

Moments like that were rare and brought a sense of normalcy, and we laughed a lot in those days as if our lives were normal, forgetting that a whole world stood outside our door free from barbed-wire, bars or shakedowns.  It’s true that humans can adapt to anything, and it was my way of adapting to my culture.  Now I sit comfortably on my sofa and watch the show, which feels normal.

I am truly humbled by remembering watching the show on that 13-inch television, and having to sneak down to someone’s room just to share a little joy. 

These little things remind me to look for more reasons to share a little joy.

Published in:  on May 27, 2008 at 1:32 am Comments (2)
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Money for Victims

Often times people assume I will side with a criminal or inmate quicker than I will side with the law, just because I have served time.  I suppose that comes with the label ‘convicted felon’. 

Usually it’s in terms of the prison experience.  For instance, it’s no secret that the food served in jails and prisons is nothing to write home about.  It’s jail, and even though it was tough to endure for two years, I still don’t think the food served in prisons and jails should be particularly tasty.  I draw the line at unsafe conditions; food should be prepared properly, safe and free of vermin.  As for taste?  Food is necessary for sustaining life and shouldn’t be a luxury afforded to inmates.  It’s prison, not a luxury vacation.  Especially in jails and State prisons where everything is paid for by taxpayers.

I was recently taken aback by a posting I read on a prison-related message board I subscribe to.  The writer suggested that it is unfair that inmates are expected to pay restitution to their victim when serving time in a work release program.  The work release program is still incarceration in a prison, but inmates are allowed to leave and hold a job in the civilian world.  Room & Board are deducted from the inmate’s account each month to pay for their stay.  The remainder of the money is saved for release, to help the inmate start a reformed life.  At least, that’s the way it is supposed to work.

The person who posted the comment doesn’t think this is fair because the inmate, her son in this case, needs the money more than the victim in order to have a better life when he is released.

I responded that I disagreed.  Believe me, I know the importance of needing the nest egg once leaving the prison system.  For many inmates, the job they obtain while in the work release program is the first legitimate job they have had.  The money usually goes toward a deposit on an apartment and purchasing items such as clothing, housewares, and the like.

But I also understand the importance of taking responsibility for your actions.  In many cases, the inmate has committed a crime against a person or persons.  I knew many women who served lengthy time for armed robbery, which most certainly affected someone.  I know that paying more restitution to a victim will never take away their pain or make things right.  But I do believe it is a necessary part of the inmate’s change, if he or she has made one.  It’s about admitting fault and admitting that you have impacted someone’s life.  It’s a commitment to do things better.  It’s a sacrifice.

When I was in a transitional center work release program, I saw the extremes:  I saw inmates leave with over $10,000 in their account, only to end up in the prison system again within a few months (usually due to drug addiction).  I also saw inmates leave with very little to their name, with no family support or help, and fully succeed.  One former inmate I know is now the event coordinator for an upscale hotel in downtown Atlanta.  She started as a housekeeper with no experience while she was incarcerated.

I was surprised when I received a private message from an anonymous person cursing me for not seeing things from the inmate’s point of view.  Simply because I served time I obviously should agree that this is a very unfair deal for inmates in the work release program, that they work hard and shouldn’t have to pay 30% of their income toward room and board, much less to a victim’s program.

Simply put, it’s all about choices.  Sure, having a hefty nest egg probably increases the chance for rehabilitation once released.  But he can have all the money in the world and still make bad choices to put himself back in prison.  If he truly wants a better life, he will find one.  If it takes two jobs to provide for expenses and pay parole or probation fines and restitution to the victim, he will do it.  He will do it if it takes three jobs.  If he wants a better life for himself, he will do whatever it takes.  Sometimes it’s easier to blame situations and other people than it is to make better choices for yourself and act on them.

What I want to know is, when did the victim’s get a choice?  And when will inmates learn to take responsibility for their actions?

Published in:  on May 20, 2008 at 4:29 am Comments (2)
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